Dear Eric: My sister suffers from alcoholism and drug addiction from way back. I am the exact opposite of her in almost every way — rarely drink, never do drugs. She perceives me to be a “goody-two-shoes,” and I was given a nickname of “miss maturity” by her and other siblings. It was not a positive nickname.
She is my only sister. I will do, and have done, anything I can think of to be her support. I want her in my life whatever that takes, whatever that means.
She is currently in the hospital in very bad shape. I fear that she is at death’s door.
She will not answer my calls or texts (she does for others). I have sent texts to her apologizing for anything that upset her and remind her how much I love her, think about her and pray for her.
One of my brothers says I should just let it go. Part of me agrees with that and I haven’t reached out in a few weeks. The other part of me thinks I will deeply regret not reaching out to her before she passes, if she passes soon.
I’m so torn up. It’s very reflective of our relationship for the past 50 years. I’m always confused. I’m always torn up. I never have a good idea on what to do. Do you have any advice?
— Scorned Sister
Dear Sister: I’m sorry that your sister is struggling and I’m sorry that you’re suffering, too. This difficult dynamic would be hard to navigate had it just popped up, but having to deal with it for 50 years must have been awful.
Try to grant yourself some grace here. You’ve taken on a lot of the responsibility for fixing the relationship you have with your sister. This could simply be how your personalities work, but it has some of the hallmarks of a codependency that can develop in families where one or more members suffers from addiction. You’re overcompensating for the things that your sister won’t or can’t give you. This isn’t something wrong with you, but it is a dynamic that’s not serving you.
There is no crime in being a “goody two-shoes” and yet her behavior has you apologizing. She likely has some old resentment against you that’s not really about you. And so, unfortunately, it’s also not something that you can solve for her.
Putting some distance between you is a wise idea. You may be helped by Melody Beattie’s book “The Language of Letting Go” or by visiting an Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery meeting to help process your feelings. Reach out to one of your brothers about arranging a visit with your sister, to put your mind and heart at ease. An in-person visit may not turn out to be all that you need, but it may help you to reframe your way of thinking about this relationship. You’ve done what you can — more than you can. You haven’t failed your sister.
Dear Eric: A couple of years ago I reconnected with a high school friend. We are in our 60s. We occasionally get together for coffee or dinner, but I find myself making excuses not to meet. This woman, I’ll call her Sue, has never married, never had children, has no grandchildren and now has retired. She reaches out incessantly asking to go shopping, see a movie, dinner.
Unfortunately, I find Sue very boring, I struggle trying to keep the conversation going but it’s tough. I’m beginning to dread these get-togethers. I still work and if I have any time off, I’d rather spend it with my grandchildren. I have offered suggestions of local volunteer opportunities, but she doesn’t seem interested. I’m on the verge of ghosting her but that’s not my nature. Am I being too selfish?
— Lousy Friend
Dear Friend: I don’t think you’re being selfish, and I don’t think you’re the lousy friend you characterized yourself as. Sometimes people misalign. You’re to be commended for trying to find creative ways to have meaningful interactions with Sue, i.e., the volunteering. And she’s to be commended for reaching out and trying to maintain connections. That can be hard; friendship isn’t always easy.
Unfortunately, what you want and what she wants are diverging. You don’t need to make yourself miserable. Sometimes, kind and direct is better than ghosting, however. Try telling Sue that you’re not as available for social outings as you have been, because you want to spend time with your grandchildren and other parts of your life. Perhaps raise the possibility of volunteering together again, if you’d like. It’s good to ask a friend for connection, and I hope Sue keeps reaching out to others and building her social network. But it’s also fine to moderate how much connection you can give.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)