You wouldn’t know it from reading the paper or listening to the radio, but there’s a lot of sex in Anchorage.
We’re here to talk about it.
Welcome to Alaska’s newest (and only?) love, sex and dating advice column. Our very first installment is below.
But first: Secretly have a crush on your ski buddy? Worried about bumping into an ex at Myrna’s? Curious about opening your relationship, exploring a kink or finally telling your partner what you actually want in bed?
Ask us for help! In each issue, three experts — or, rather, two experts and one normie — will respond to a reader-submitted question.
You can submit questions at anchoragepress.com. Nothing is too juicy. We’ll keep you anonymous. Just, for God’s sake, tell the truth. No more mystery troll notes from “(a)gape,” please.
Our expert panelists are M. K. Thekkumkattil and Amber Batts.
M.K. is a trans, disabled, kinky writer and nurse whose work can be found in The Sexuality of Care: On Nursing, Kink, and a Future Without Hospitals, among other publications.
Amber is an Alaska writer, rebel journalist, sex worker and advocate who has spent years writing about the things polite company tends to avoid — sex, violence, power, criminal justice.
Max Graham, a journalist who covers environmental issues, will offer a third perspective as a token straight white guy. He’s totally unqualified for this gig, but excited to keep an open mind…and to learn some new terms from Urban Dictionary.
Now, some drama!
Hi Anchorage Press,
This summer I’ve found myself on the precipice of romantic change. My previous boyfriend ended our nearly three-year relationship, and I was devastated (at first). However, a week later, I found myself exploring a new connection with a close mutual friend who had been offering solid emotional support and friendship. We have been friends for five years! I didn’t see this one coming.
Is this allowed? It feels like this should not be allowed within a week or two of my breakup. I also feel it’s worth adding that I initiated this new dynamic, and it was well received.
I’m worried that the timeline will be leaked and my previous boyfriend will find out. And also: What would our mutual friends say or think?
Things are further complicated because I’m leaving for a seasonal job to a very far away place, with little to no reliable communication for the next six months, and I’m not sure there’s enough time to explore this new connection further.
Do you see my dilemmas?
-Plot Twist or Red Flag?
M. K. Thekkumkattil:
Yes, this is allowed! All kinds of chaotic and delightful and absurd human behavior is allowed! Congrats on your new connection!
First of all, have fun while you can. Exploring romantic and sexual connection in the safe container of long-term friendship can be an incredible way to expand what relationships feel like. Relationships do not have to follow a linear structure, or what poly people often refer to as the “relationship escalator.” They can transform during periods of increased availability – like, say, after ending a long-term relationship – and they can de-escalate when life circumstances don’t allow the kinds of communication and commitment that ongoing intimacy requires.
That said, it sounds like there’s a potent combo of breakup energy and new relationship energy (NRE) at play. Breakups are vulnerable! Our whole lives can get shaken up, and it’s common to put extra emotional weight on things that would be better if we simply didn’t take them so seriously. The attention, excitement, and — I hope — hot new sex (however you define sex) of NRE can be addictive and short-lived. We can confuse dopamine hits for compatibility.
I always advocate for slowing things down during the early phase of relationships. Don’t make promises you can’t keep! Trust people’s actions more than their words. You’ll find out over time whether you both have capacity, interest and compatibility with each other. Stay present and enjoy the time you have. You don’t need to know yet whether you’ll still be interested down the line.
Finally, I hope you’ve told at least one person about this. As a scorpio, I love protecting my most intimate connections from outside judgment and interference. But, secrets can be a breeding ground for shitty relationship dynamics. Who do you trust enough to share all your mess with? You need at least one person.
Amber Batts:
Dear Plot Twist,
There is no Alaska Department of Breakups requiring a 30-day waiting period before you’re given a permit to develop feelings for somebody else. Your relationship ended. You are single.
Sure, your ex may find out. And yeah, they may be hurt. Your mutual friends may have opinions. That is Anchorage being Anchorage. Let’s operate under the assumption that everyone in your circle will eventually know. But someone else’s feelings about your choices aren’t evidence that you’ve made a bad choice. You cannot control what they’re going to think.
Now, let’s move on to something more interesting: what’s happening between you and this friend.
You’ve known each other for five years, and they supported you through this breakup. Now, there’s chemistry. That’s not automatically a rebound; sometimes the plot twists because the characters finally notice each other. Who are we to question the timing of things?
But I do have a question I think is worth asking yourself: Are you genuinely excited about this person, or are you afraid of suddenly being alone?
Those two things can be true at the same time. After more than two years with someone, being suddenly single can leave a big hole in your life. Just make sure you’re exploring this new connection because you want to know what’s there, not because you’re in a hurry to fill the space.
Which brings us to the six-month absence.
You don’t have to decide whether this is your next great love before you leave. In fact, please don’t. Talk to each other. Be clear about expectations.
Are you exploring something without promises?
Do you want to reconnect when you return?
Those questions matter a hell of a lot more than whether you’re moving too fast.
Maybe this is a rebound. Maybe it’s the beginning of something wonderful. Maybe you make out for a while and six months from now you’re friends again. None of those outcomes makes this a mistake.
My vote: Plot twist. Proceed with curiosity, leave the guilt behind and let everyone else worry about their own love lives.
Max Graham:
Oof, sorry about the breakup — but yay for new feelings!
I’d try to focus less on whether the vibe with your friend is “allowed” or whether the timeline will be “leaked,” and more on what you think you need to thrive.
Forget about your ex for a second. He’s not in charge of your love life. Neither are your mutual friends. It’s up to you, not them, to decide whether your new connection is the right thing for you.
How does the vibe with your friend feel? Are you really into him? Or does some part of you sense that this is about filling a post-breakup void?
Be brutally honest with yourself. A week is barely any time. Processing the end of a long-term relationship can take a while. And, in the meantime, if what you’re really looking for is a low-stakes rebound, you run the risk of leading your friend on if he’s looking for something more.
That said, if the new dynamic feels healthy and good — and not just a potentially messy attempt to replace your ex — there’s nothing wrong with it! In that case, lean in. Talk to each other about how you’re feeling. See where it goes.
And yes, being away for six months might complicate things. But could the time apart actually be a good thing? Could it give you more time to process your breakup and focus on your new single self? And could that time maybe even help you develop a stronger connection with your friend when you’re back, if that’s what you want?
You don’t need all the answers right now. Just be ruthlessly honest — both with yourself and with your friend — and the answers will come soon enough.