Dear Eric: I am in a leadership role at my church. Our community is very loving. We have a relatively new member who is a dear older woman. We think she may be dealing with a bit of dementia.
He is very grateful for our community and wants to be involved.
The problem is she signs up to do many of the tasks needed for Sundays and for other events/occasions but then doesn’t show up or doesn’t do the tasks that are part of the thing she signed up for.
How do we handle this in a loving, kind and compassionate way?
We have an online sign-up that has a specific number of people needed for each task. If she takes one of these slots, all of the work ends up being on the other persons or people’s shoulders. Please help, thank you!
– Trying to Be Kind
Dear Kind: A multi-prong strategy will work best. First, you may want to keep an eye on the volunteer signups and, if her name appears, open up another slot so that your bases are covered.
Secondly, see if there’s a member of your congregation who can act as a volunteer buddy. Is there someone who can foster a stronger relationship with her and reach out with reminders about events, or even offer rides or other help? This kind of service can be integral in keeping community members meaningfully involved and can also provide another set of caring eyes on a potentially vulnerable older adult.
Lastly, you can talk to her about it in a non-judgmental way, letting her know about an instance or two that you noticed, asking if she’s also noticed this, and suggesting strategies, like the volunteer buddy or a different kind of volunteer job, that work for both of you.
Dear Eric: I’m a 72-year-old active person in several social groups. Is there a tactful way to ask if my peers have a partner at home or live alone? When I was younger it was an easy question to ask but I worry I might upset someone widowed or divorced. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances but I’m not sure how to progress the friendship when such a simple question feels taboo. I’d appreciate your feedback.
– Personal Question
Dear Question: I think it can still be tactful to ask, “Are you married?” Or “if you don’t mind me asking, are you in a relationship?” Perhaps you’d preface it by sharing your relationship status. We share information and ask for information in return as a way of getting to know people. I find that some widowed people enjoy being asked to talk about their partner. Similarly, there are some divorced people who have no trouble saying, “that was then, this is now.” Those who might take offense are also free to decline.
Dear Eric: The only time I spend any time talking on the phone is with three family members.
Though I enjoy and treasure those conversations, it frustrates me that the only time they call is when they are either driving somewhere or doing a walk. Therefore, our phone connection is frequently not the best and/or they’re distracted.
There’s a part of me that wants to say “call me when you can just sit down and visit” but all three seem to have such full and busy lives that the other part of me is grateful they take the time to call.
I, too, could be in the middle of something but I stop and enjoy our conversation giving it my full attention.
Should I suggest they call when they can give me 100 percent of their attention or continue to be grateful they’re even fitting me in their life?
– Call Waiting
Dear Call: Ask for what you need to make the most of the time you have together. Your family members are free to make an adjustment, to politely decline, or to suggest a compromise. But you won’t get there unless you make your feelings known.
I have a close relative who doesn’t like to talk on the phone if I’m out in public. It stresses the relative out, worrying that I’ll be distracted by the phone call and not be alert enough to my surroundings. It took a little trial and error for me to accept this, I’ll admit. But now it brings me a lot of joy to be intentional about finding an indoor place to have our calls.
We all have our habits and our wants. Sometimes those wants don’t jibe. You’re grateful they’re fitting you into their lives, but hopefully they’re grateful that you’re making time for them, too, and want that time to be meaningful. Relationships thrive on all parties involved feeling free enough, and cared for enough, to ask for what they need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)