Dear Eric: The short version is I caught my ex-wife in bed with someone when I was 26 years old. At the time I had 2-, 4-, and 6-year-old children. Two boys and one girl. I remarried at 30 years old and am now 64. I just found out through DNA testing that the three kids are not my children. They all have different dads. My ex is remarried and has two children from two other dads.
My first concern is my kids, they will always be my kids to me and are incredible, but I do worry deep down that it has affected them in different ways. With that being said, they have all said I am their dad.
Deep down though, I am having a terrible time dealing with it. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of it all and when I see any of the six grandchildren, I constantly think they are not blood related to me which unfortunately bothers me a lot. But I also care about them all deeply. How do I handle this?
—Sad Dad
Dear Dad: I’m going to start by telling you something you know but may be struggling to internalize: blood relation is not what defines a family. It can set the wheels in motion, certainly, but a family is built on and sustained by the connections you have, the love you feel for each other, the history that braids you together and the ways you show up in each other’s lives. You’ve raised these children into adulthood, you’ve been there for them, you love them – they are your children.
Moreover, they have claimed you as their father. That’s so meaningful. This isn’t just a gesture to be nice; this is your children telling you what they want and need to feel whole in this world. And they’re saying they need you, their dad, to continue to be their dad.
Think of this as part of your journey through fatherhood. It’s not what you would have chosen for yourself, sure, but this discovery has given you the opportunity to be intentional about being a parent and grandparent. And it’s given your children the same opportunity. You may not have been part of their conception, but you are their family of origin and you’re their family of choice.
Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been together for years. We are both “mature” adults. My problem is that whenever we are around other women, my boyfriend locks eyes with a woman and stares at her seductively, sometimes rubbing her back, cuddling with her, sometimes kissing her and giving her his undivided attention.
It doesn’t matter if the women are wives of his friends, neighbors, new acquaintances and he even does his “seductive stare” while conducting business with women. The women love it and it usually ends up being a “mutual seduction.”
I am pretty sure that he has had sex with some of these women, married or single. When his “seductive/flirtations” start, I am ignored, humiliated, embarrassed and totally disrespected by both parties.
I say nothing while this is going on in front of my eyes. I do not want to make a scene. I dread going to any get-togethers with him, because of his seductive come-ons to other women. However, privately I have confronted Lover Boy about his “performance.” He lies, says I am crazy and that it never happened. Other than this problem, we get along great. What is your advice?
– Lover Boy’s Lady
Dear Lady: This sounds profoundly unhealthy, not to mention inappropriate. Are other people at these get-togethers or in these professional situations not seeing this? Something’s not adding up.
You write that other than this you get along great, but that’s a pretty big “this” and I suspect it’s destabilizing your whole relationship.
Two pieces of advice: First, this behavior is bothering you and it’s wise to separate yourself from it if your boyfriend refuses to stop or acknowledge it’s happening. That may mean putting a pause on your relationship and physically separating yourself until this is resolved through counseling or conversation.
Second, talk to friends you trust about what’s going on. Ask them if they’re seeing the same thing you’re seeing. These displays are so public that they should be able to affirm that what you’re seeing is true and support you in distancing yourself from it. If they have a different perspective, these conversations are a safer, less charged space to double-check what you’re thinking and seeing. I don’t want to give you the impression that I don’t believe you – I don’t know what’s happening and I accept your letter as fact. But when we’re getting disconfirming information about our experience, it’s helpful to get backup from those we trust.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)