Dear Annie: My supervisor and I worked closely together for more than 30 years. Over that time, he became more than a boss; he was a friend. Even after he and his wife retired to Florida, he kept in touch, calling every week or two to check in with a handful of us from the old office. When he was back in town visiting two of his children, he often came to our house for the holidays. A small group of us even made it a tradition to go out for pizza once a year.
When his wife texted to tell me he had passed away after a short illness, I was stunned. She explained she was not up to talking and that services would be private, held at the family’s convenience. There was no obituary, only a mention that there might be a memorial mass at some point.
I was shocked at how deeply his death affected me. I have written notes to each of his children and sent his wife a commemorative frame with their photo and a poem. It has now been two months, and I have heard nothing in return. Social media shows that the family spent much of the summer at their home on the shore.
I do not want to intrude on their grief or reach out if it would be unwelcome. At the same time, I feel lost without any closure. Do you have any advice on how I might move forward when the family seems unwilling to include me in their mourning? — Sadly No Closure
Dear Sadly No Closure: Grief does not follow rules, and neither do grieving families. They may be overwhelmed, private or simply coping in their own way. Their silence is not a reflection of your friendship or the kindness you showed.
You honored your supervisor beautifully with notes, a thoughtful gift and your memories. Now the healthiest step is to find your own closure. Share stories with the co-workers who knew him, light a candle, write him a letter or attend a mass when one is announced.
You do not need permission to grieve. Let the love and respect you carried for him be your farewell.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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