Dear Annie: I’m in a relationship with someone who has experienced a lot of personal losses throughout their life. Whenever that happens, I usually try to keep to myself and hold back my own feelings for a while to allow him to mourn.
Recently, an incident occurred at my job and I’m unsure if I will be terminated or not. I’ve been in limbo for the last few weeks in terms of my employment status. While I’ve been dealing with this, my partner lost a cousin. I have tried to be there even more for him this time around, but I’m still sad about my own situation.
Today, he yelled at me and told me I’m overreacting about “a job” and that I shouldn’t be more upset about that than he is about his cousin’s death. Since then, I’ve chosen to stay away from home as much as possible because I can’t control my sadness no matter how hard I try.
I don’t think it’s fair for him to try to measure how I should be feeling about this situation, but I also don’t want more yelling or another fight. Am I being selfish? Thank you. — Hurting, Too
Dear Hurting, Too: No, you’re not being selfish. You’re absolutely right — it isn’t fair for your partner to measure your anxiety against his grief. It’s not a competition; you’re both going through hard, heavy situations. Both of you are valid and deserve support.
What isn’t OK is him yelling at you or belittling your feelings. A healthy relationship means both of you can hurt and heal at the same time, even in different ways. Instead of dismissing you, he should be your safe space.
Rather than avoiding him, have a calm but firm conversation. Assure him that you understand and respect his grief but that your own stress — about your career and your livelihood — is real, too. Ask for compassion, not comparison. If he can’t offer that, you should seriously consider whether this relationship gives you the support you need and deserve.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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