Dear Eric: My mother-in-law, Dana, 79, was married for 51 years before her husband passed six years ago.
She still visits us frequently. When she does, she stays at either our house or one of my husband’s sister’s homes.
Within the last six months, my MIL began dating another senior gentleman, Peter. Apparently, Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and recently reconnected.
As of this writing, only the two sisters have met Peter. Now there is discussion of the Thanksgiving holiday. Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family, and she’s upset because there are conflicting opinions on where she and Peter should stay.
I told my husband I would not feel comfortable hosting my MIL and her boyfriend in our home over the holiday weekend. We only have one guest room. Equally, I think my sisters-in-law feel the same. My nephew said he does not like the idea of someone, not his grandfather, staying in their home at all, especially a holiday break. Again, I’m not in disagreement.
Meanwhile, Dana is upset because she feels no one is giving Peter a chance. I suggested that Dana and Peter stay at a hotel, but Dana feels that we should be more accommodating to her and Peter, especially since they will be traveling to our area via train and neither will have local transportation. I feel it’s a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us in our homes. I’m sure Peter is a nice man, and my MIL enjoys his company, but am I, or my sisters-in-law, being unreasonable?
– Crowded House
Dear House: Your home, your rules, your comfort level. However, it would be helpful for everyone involved to consider Dana’s position here, as well. Six years after going through the grief and disruption of her husband’s death, she’s found new companionship, which can be wonderful but also has its own challenges. This is new territory for her as well as for you. There are bound to be some hiccups.
Much of the letter was focused on Peter being a stranger. And I acknowledge that is a hurdle, maybe an insurmountable one. But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone is thinking about here, or if this is more about holding a space for Dana’s first husband. Peter’s presence doesn’t displace Dana’s first husband in the family structure, nor – I presume – in her heart. She has to understand that everyone grieves and adjusts in their own way. But everyone else has to understand that Dana is still alive and this relationship is part of her life now.
If the unmarried grandchildren in your family aren’t allowed to bring home significant others to stay in the same room, then explain to Dana that this policy has to be universally applied. However, if that’s not the case, don’t make her the victim of a double standard. See if there’s a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter down to meet you casually. That will make him less of a stranger.
Dear Eric: When my dad passed away, with my mother already gone, it took my brother seven years to settle his estate.
He was living in dad’s house and not in any hurry. I spoke to him several times trying to encourage him to get it done. But nothing worked. So, I finally got a lawyer’s help. It worked and now he will not talk to me. Was I wrong in thinking it took too long?
– Estate Dilemma
Dear Estate: Seven years is too long, especially if, as it sounds, your brother hadn’t even started. It would be one thing if the estate was complicated in some way and the process got caught up in legal red tape. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
People process death and the legal requirements around it in different ways. There is no standard timetable for grief, for instance, nor should there be. So, it’s helpful to approach loved ones with grace and compassion. But, if I’m reading between the lines in your letter correctly, it also sounds like your brother’s delay may have been intentional and more focused on keeping the house. This isn’t fair.
His feelings may be bruised, or he may be smarting from getting caught. But those feelings are his to work through. You did the right thing by involving a third party with no personal stake in the process (beyond the fee) and expertise in the field. While there is, obviously, a personal impact to the settling of an estate, this didn’t need to be a personal conflict. By seeking help, you did your best to keep it a legal matter, which is what should be.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)