Dear Annie: I’m 27 and recently moved back to my small hometown after nearly a decade away. I took a job here to be closer to my mom, who’s recovering from a stroke. It’s been an adjustment, but I’m managing. The problem is my former best friend, “Kelsey.”
We were inseparable in high school but drifted apart during college. No falling out, just life. She reached out when I got back, which was nice, and we got coffee, but I realized we don’t have much in common anymore. I’ve changed a lot, and our old dynamic — where she dominates the conversation and I play the supportive sidekick — snapped right back into place.
Since that coffee, she’s been texting constantly and assuming we’ll hang out like we used to. I feel guilty pulling away, especially since I’m new back in town and don’t know many people yet. But I also don’t want to fake a friendship just because it’s familiar.
How do I let her know that I don’t want to pick things back up the way they were without sounding cruel or self-important? — Not That Girl Anymore
Dear Not That Girl: Some friendships grow with you, and some friendships you outgrow. It sounds like you’ve outgrown an old friendship, which is a completely natural part of growing up.
But it’s also possible that you’re writing her off too soon; after all, maybe she’s changed, too. Rather than falling into your old patterns, why not invite her to do something that the NEW you enjoys and see if that improves your chemistry?
If the dynamic shifts and you enjoy her company, great. If not, you’ll know you gave it a fair shot. Let the friendship evolve — or fade — organically. You don’t owe anyone your time, but you do owe yourself the space to grow.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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