Dear Eric: A friend is planning his second marriage. It will be his fiancée’s third. Both are in their mid-to-late 60s, have owned their single-family homes for many years, and have reasonably well-paying jobs.
They are planning a wedding shower and have registered for gifts, including expensive kitchen equipment and utensils, china, glassware, lamps, and living room furnishings. Things newlyweds-to-be in their 20s or 30s might need to start out. Not middle-aged adults with three past marriages and two homes between them.
Yes, the inappropriateness has been discussed with them. When asked “why”, they say the things they have are older; and, as they are starting out new together, they want things in their house to be new as well. No matter that, by registering, they effectively ask others to pay to replace what they already have. My perspective is that this is a blatant case of “chutzpah”, Yiddish for “nerve” or “gall.”
They are, otherwise, nice caring people, but I feel they have gone off the rails asking others to re-equip and re-furnish their home. If invited over, I would be uncomfortable using their new dishware, glasses, etc. My feelings tell me to cool our relationship. Am I being excessively critical of their plans?
– Give or Give It Up
Dear Give: I’m reminded of another Yiddish phrase a friend once told me which translates to “money can buy everything except common sense.” It really does take a lot of nerve to ask friends and loved ones to replace all their perfectly fine belongings … but if their friends and loved ones will do it, there’s technically no harm. No one is being forced to buy a gift.
You certainly don’t have to buy them anything if you don’t want to. But I worry about letting this ruin your friendship. It’s not a crime to have chutzpah. So, maybe live and let live here. See if you can think of this as something you wouldn’t do in their shoes, but perhaps not an offense that makes them unworthy of being your friends.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.