Dear Abby: Navigating family dynamics during brother’s illness

Dear Abby: My brother has ALS and lives in another state. He has a wife and children. His wife has decided that when family visits from out of state, they need to stay in a hotel instead of their house because she does not have the capacity to host.

I understand that it is stressful to have houseguests while also being a caregiver for someone with a terminal illness. However, when I come to visit, it is to spend time with my brother and help him with eating, bathing, getting dressed, etc. That typically happens in the mornings and at night, when visitors are expected to be at a hotel. Out-of-state visitors could also help with cooking, cleaning and anything else that needs to be done. We don’t expect to be catered to. Paying for airfare, dog-sitters and a hotel each time I visit is a financial barrier.

My brother is dying, and it feels like family is not actually welcome to visit or help him. Am I out of line for thinking my sister-in-law should get over herself and allow family to stay at the house in order to be with my brother? Is there even a good way to broach the subject with her?

— Deflated in California

Dear Deflated,

I am sorry for your pain, but I do think you are out of line. While I admire your willingness to sacrifice to help your brother and sister-in-law through this difficult period, you all would be better served if you told them you are willing to do anything they need if asked. Be willing to stay at the hotel if that will be easier for them. In other words, let them outline the parameters of what is needed.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.