Dear Eric: My 37-year-old daughter, along with her 10-year-old son, live with my wife and me. My daughter shares custody with my grandson’s father.
My daughter is two years sober, which is great. She works most days in an outdoor profession but has many days off due to weather.
When she’s not working, she’s sitting in her room on her phone and/or watching TV. She does not help my wife and me with any of the normal household chores. She always leaves a mess.
She’s supposed to be paying rent each week but rarely does. If it wasn’t for my grandson, we’d probably evict her.
We drive four and a half hours sometimes to drop her son off with his dad. She’s either working or says she gets too stressed out seeing her ex to want to do it.
She let her car insurance, registration and inspection lapse over a year ago and on most days, she uses my vehicle for work or errands. We love our grandson and help him and her as much as we can but we’re at a loss as to what to do next.
What do we do to make our home life better?
– Put-Upon Parents
Dear Parents: Consequences. There are simply too many “I can’ts” or “I wonts” here. It’s important to decide what the consequences are for your daughter and then enforce them. If she doesn’t pay rent, what happens? Decide with your wife and then hold yourselves and your daughter to it.
In other areas, the state government certainly would. If she’s caught driving without a registration or insurance, there are legal consequences. So, don’t give her an out by allowing her to use your car. She must figure it out. Similarly, it’s not your responsibility to take your grandson to his father’s. But presumably the custody agreement requires that he get there. So, your daughter needs to figure it out or face the consequences.
If your daughter is not willing or able to fully participate in raising her son, you as grandparents have rights. They vary by state, so you’ll want to consult with a family attorney about what the laws are where you live. But I’d encourage you to take this step, even if you don’t take further action.
This is a time for some hard conversations. An environment in which your daughter is checked out and you overcompensate is also unhealthy for your grandson. So have the talks you need to have. If she’s in a sobriety program, this is also something she can work on with her sponsor or sobriety coach.
Dear Eric: In the past, you’ve suggested to writers that they stop sending cards, gifts, checks, et cetera, when the recipient cannot bother to even acknowledge them. I agree but what about this: I have teenage and young adult grandchildren in two different families. Seven all together. Out of each family only one will kindly say thank you or acknowledge the gift. His or her siblings do not. Do I follow through with your advice and only send the lone thoughtful adult child cards? Even though they’re all adults or near adulthood, they all live at home with parents. If I single one or two out (the thoughtful ones) I’m sure I will be considered the rude, “bad guy!” What do you think?
– Gift Giver
Dear Giver: First, you’re not obligated to send gifts. Gift-giving is an extension of a relationship and an expression of feeling. “Thank you” is not a phrase that has passed out of the lexicon. But we don’t give to receive thanks. However, if you’re feeling the relationship is one-sided, maybe it’s time to change the mode of communication. That – communication – is key here. If you want to hear from the other grandchildren more, you can say so. And if you opt to stop sending gifts, for whatever reason, that’s your prerogative and any feelings they have about “rudeness” are theirs to work through.
Dear Eric: I have two friends who never initiate calls or plans. I’ve discussed it with both. One promises to do better but never does. The other tells me that she doesn’t call anybody, but I can call her anytime. I struggle, however, with thinking that actions speak louder than words, they don’t really care, and the relationships would fall away if I stopped calling. How do I fight feelings of hurt and rejection?
– Uncalled
Dear Uncalled: Decide what actions hold the most meaning for you. Are there other ways that the friends show that they care for you? It may be that you’re someone who needs reciprocation in communication. That’s fine but that might mean that these friendships aren’t right for you. Be open to the possibility, however, that they can show up for you in other ways.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)