Dear Annie: I am caught in a very difficult family situation. I have twin sisters-in-law, Tricia and Tanya, who have not spoken to each other in more than 25 years. To complicate things further, Tanya and her mother have also been estranged for 24 years.
I’ve managed to maintain good relationships with both sisters, but things have come to a head. Their mother, whom I have personally cared for over the past five years with no help from anyone else, has just been admitted to a nursing home. Her dementia is worsening, and I believe this will be where she spends the rest of her life.
I suggested to Tricia that she reach out to Tanya and try to mend fences — at least enough for both sisters to visit their mother, even separately. Tricia flatly refused. Meanwhile, Tanya has no idea that her mother is now in a nursing home. She is very sensitive, and I fear she would be devastated if her mother passed without knowing or having the chance to see her.
I even asked my husband (their brother) if he would tell Tanya, and he also said no. Meanwhile, Tricia has started visiting their mother’s apartment to take what she wants, and everything else will be donated. I feel strongly that Tanya should at least be given the same opportunity, regardless of the estrangements.
I am torn. I don’t want to meddle, but I also don’t think it’s right to keep Tanya in the dark about her mother’s condition or her belongings. Should I step in and tell her myself, or stay out of it and respect the family silence? — Torn and Troubled
Dear Torn and Troubled: You’ve already gone above and beyond caring for your mother-in-law. Keeping Tanya in the dark is not protecting her; it is punishing her. Whatever the history, she deserves to know her mother’s condition and to decide for herself what to do.
You are not meddling by telling her the truth. A simple, factual message is enough: “Your mother is now in a nursing home with dementia. I thought you should know.” After that, the choices are hers.
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