Dear Annie: I often see letters in your column from mothers-in-law with various complaints about their daughters-in-law. The themes are familiar: “She never invites me to activities.” “She doesn’t take pictures of me with the baby.” “She won’t let me see my grandchild.”
What I find myself wondering is: Why is all of the frustration directed toward the daughters-in-law? If these women want to be included, invited or photographed, why aren’t they turning to their own sons? It seems that the burden of keeping extended family relationships warm and well-managed is unfairly placed on daughters-in-law, while the sons — their own children — are left out of the equation.
In my view, communication and planning with one’s own parents should be a shared responsibility, not something automatically dropped on the wife’s shoulders. If a son is unwilling or unable to handle these simple conversations with his family, perhaps the mothers should be asking themselves why — and also questioning the outdated, sexist expectations that keep daughters-in-law in the hot seat while their sons get a free pass.
So here’s my question: How can we shift this conversation so that mothers-in-law hold their sons accountable for family connection, instead of constantly blaming their daughters-in-law? — On Behalf of Daughters-in-Law Everywhere
Dear Daughter in Laws: Bravo. You nailed it. Too many mothers-in-law act as if their daughters-in-law are the cruise directors of family life while their own sons get a free pass. That is nonsense.
If Mom wants more calls, more visits, more pictures with the baby, she should look to her son, the child she actually raised, not blame the woman he married. Expecting the daughter-in-law to handle all the diplomacy is not just unfair; it is lazy and outdated.
Sons do not stop being sons when they marry. Time for everyone to remember that.
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