Dear Annie: I often read essays about how parenting comes full circle, how the greatest accomplishment of all is raising children who grow into capable, successful adults. That sounds fine and wonderful, and I am truly happy for those families. But I cannot help wondering, what about the rest of us?
Some of us have worked just as hard, sometimes harder, to raise our children with love, structure and purpose. I spent years going without sleep, working long hours, showing up at every school event, driving to practices and trying to guide them toward a better life. And yet the results look nothing like those glowing success stories. My children have stumbled, struggled and, in some cases, rejected the values I tried so desperately to instill.
For me, heartache and disappointment have become a daily way of life. Instead of pride, there is judgment. Instead of recognition for the effort, there are whispers that I failed as a parent. I am told, directly or indirectly, that I “did not raise them right.”
When do parents like me get to stop being judged? When do we get to feel proud of the effort we poured into our children, even if the outcome is not perfect? When does the pain ease, and when does the blame stop? — Failure Parent
Dear Failure Parent: Children are not machines, and parenting is not an assembly line. You can pour in love, work and sacrifice, and still watch them choose a path you would never want for them. That is not proof you failed. It is proof they are human, with free will.
Let go of the blame. Be proud of the effort you gave, even if the outcome is not the storybook ending. Your worth as a parent is not measured only by your children’s success, but by the love and care you never stopped giving.
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
If you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation. By using this site, you consent to our User Agreement and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our Privacy Policy.