Dear Eric: My husband and I live in a beautiful, gated community with wonderful neighbors. Recently the home next door to us sold and new neighbors moved in. The new neighbors are a very friendly couple and my husband, and I welcomed them to the neighborhood with a small housewarming gift.
Since they moved in several months ago, they have developed a daily routine that confuses us, and we are trying to figure out how to address the issue. Early every morning the new neighbors back their car out of their driveway and park it in front of our house. They have room to park their car in front of their own home but choose to park it in front of our home.
We do not have any trees that would offer shade for their car, nor do they. The car is left parked in front of our house all day until evening and then relocated back to their driveway. This takes place seven days a week, and the new neighbors are retired as are we.
We have seen no visitors use their driveway and it remains vacant all day. We understand that the street is public, and everyone is allowed to park in front of our home. The only reason this bothers us is because our kitchen faces the front of our house, just like the new neighbor’s home, and we like to enjoy the vista while having our meals and now all we see is a Ford.
I told my husband that maybe we have too much time on our hands and should just ignore the parking routine, or do you think this would bother other homeowners as well?
– Want to be a Good Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: Kudos to you for being so even keeled about this. In another version of this letter, you and your husband would be incensed, and I’d have to talk you down so as not to start a neighborhood war.
Frankly, your neighbor’s habit seems like a lot of work. But maybe they like to tinker on projects in their garage every day and need the room. A simple and relatively conflict-free solution to your issue might be to ask if they’d park in a different spot on the street during the day, mentioning that you miss the unobstructed view. This way, you don’t involve the opinions of the other neighbors, and you keep this request simple. It makes it easy, then, for them to say yes. Everybody wins.
Dear Eric: While my son and daughter-in-law are raising their children quite differently than how I parented, I feel they are loving and caring, and I have expressed my support to them. However, there is one behavior that I really struggle with. The children, 5 and 8, interrupt conversations between adults with their own questions or wishes (“Look at my Barbie,” “I want potato chips”) and the parents always drop the adult conversations and engage with the child, to the extent of leaving the room with the child and leaving the adult (me) sitting, waiting to see if or when we’ll return to our chat.
I feel disrespected and as if the exchange was not important. I have tried to redirect the children myself, saying, “Yes, I’d love to color with you. I am talking to your mom right now, but I will come to you in five minutes. “
This goes nowhere and does not curb the interruptions. The parents don’t back my efforts. It seems to me that they believe the child’s “need” always takes priority, whereas I view teaching a child to wait patiently and take turns is an important social skill. Help. How can I make peace with this situation?
– Grandma on Hold
Dear Grandma: Though this practice wouldn’t be your choice and sets a precedent with the kids that could lead to entitled pre-teens, try to remove your feeling of being disrespected from the equation. Your son and daughter-in-law are managing hundreds of large and small decisions as they try to parent in a way that’s responsible and responsive to their children.
While it’s your opinion that adult conversations ought not take a backseat to the needs and wants of the child, when they choose a different tactic, they’re not doing it because conversations with Grandma aren’t important, but rather because, in their view, every conversation has equal weight.
In short, just let them. It can feel, sometimes, like these differences in parenting styles are subtle (or not-so-subtle) referendums on the choices you made in parenting. Try to see it more expansively. They’re parenting in a different world and in a different context. But you raised your son in a way that empowers him to make decisions, even decisions that, in your view, aren’t the best.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)