Dear Eric: One of my best friends, who is a lesbian, just met a girl two weeks ago and they’ve already said “I love you” to each other. The other girl seems genuinely lovely, and my friend is very happy, which makes me happy!
Not only is this moving very quickly, but the other girl just got out of an engagement in June. It seems clear that she’s still processing this because, when I met her, she spent most of the time talking about all her issues with her ex. Going from being engaged to one person to telling another you love them, in the span of two months, feels jarring to me.
How should I feel? Do I need to feel a certain way? Do I just support my friend and see how it goes?
– Cautious Friend
Dear Friend: There are times when support means going with the flow and hoping for the best. But there are other times when support means pulling your friend aside and saying, “this seems a little much to me; I care about you, and I have some concerns.” You’re in the latter situation. Expressing concern or caution won’t stop her from being in love and, when properly conveyed, won’t make your friend feel you don’t support her. It’s important to emphasize that you’re not telling her to do anything. You’re simply reflecting back what you’re seeing. Perspective and another set of eyes can be a gift, even if she doesn’t quite have the same view.
Love, especially early love, can be like driving a car down an empty desert road, where you don’t quite realize how fast you’re going until you look at the speedometer. Without landmarks or other cars, it’s hard to gauge. In the realm of love, friends can be another car on the road. You’re not getting into her driver’s seat or slashing her tires. You’re driving alongside her and asking “did you know that this was fast? What would happen if you slowed down and enjoyed the view a little?”
She may say that’s not her style or not necessary. That’s fine. It’s not up to you to control her, nor do you have to feel a certain way about every aspect of her relationship. What’s most important is that she knows she has someone who is looking out for her, and who sees and hears her.
Dear Eric: All my life, I have taken pride in being the peacekeeper, the one who smooths over tension, avoids conflict and tries to make sure everyone feels heard. I have always believed that kindness and flexibility are strengths, and I genuinely dislike confrontation.
However, in adulthood, this approach has not always served me well. Some of my closest friends, people I care deeply about, have told me that my efforts to keep the peace come across as indecisive or even spineless. They say I “placate too much” or “don’t take a stand.” It is painful to hear, because I am not trying to be passive – I am trying to be considerate.
I do not want to upset anyone, yet I find that I sometimes do, simply by trying not to. How can I stay true to who I am, someone who values harmony, while also being seen as someone with a backbone? Is there a way to be more assertive without causing offense?
– A Peacekeeper at Heart
Dear Peacekeeper: It may sound counterintuitive, but if you focus on preserving your own peace and pursuing the harmony you desire, you may start to come across as more assertive. Right now, you may be overly focused on what other people need and want – peacekeeping often requires putting aside your own needs in the interest of focusing on what others or a group are clamoring for.
Even with regard to this feedback you’ve gotten, you still find yourself trying to change yourself because of what others are saying or doing.
You can’t make others happy or keep them from being offended by being more or less assertive. This becomes an endless loop of trying to match other people’s expectations. So, I suggest you step out of the loop.
Part of seeking a harmonious environment involves recognizing when the environment is not ready or willing to be harmonious. If you’re staying in a place that’s uncomfortable for you in an effort to reduce confrontation, this might read as spinelessness. I don’t think that’s necessarily the case, but I think you might be taking on too much responsibility for other’s behavior. You can’t make other people happy or harmonious or remove them from conflict. You can only do that for yourself. If you’re focusing on how you want to behave and what spaces and relationships feel right to you, you’ll find a better balance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)