Dear Eric: My husband is one of eight siblings. A few live on opposite sides of the country, but they do remain in contact, and we all get together occasionally.
One of my brothers-in-law is married and has a stepdaughter.
The stepdaughter became engaged, and we were told that since she was paying for her own wedding, they had no say in the invite list and we all may receive an invite or not. Mind you this daughter was invited to any event we had, including my kids’ weddings. At my daughter’s wedding she responded that she was coming but was a no show.
The save the dates went out and we were not invited along with one sister-in-law. Everyone else was invited and attended. I feel excluded and snubbed. I have been dwelling on this way too much but don’t understand.
There were never any words or any rift. My brother-in-law who is the stepfather is close with my husband. When I spoke to a few of his siblings, I was told she wanted a small wedding (there were 150 people that went) and I should be happy because of the expense of the hotel.
I was going to have a 70th birthday party for my husband but have decided to have a quiet dinner with my kids and grandchildren.
I would also like to have no contact with them moving forward and I told my husband this. He feels I’m too sensitive, which added salt to the wound. He can have any relationship he wants with them, but I want out, personally.
Am I in the wrong? I just can’t see myself in their company and feeling comfortable.
– Excluded
Dear Excluded: You have every right to feel the way you do. And, to your point, it seems pointed to invite six out of the eight siblings. But – and this is a big but – the family is large, even without considering the niece’s mother’s family, the father’s family, her friends and the family of the person she married.
Even with 150 guests, options start to narrow. So, grant her a little grace.
And, more importantly, don’t take her wedding invite list out on her parents. They told you they didn’t have any control over the invites and it’s best to take that at face value. While you’ve been kind to the niece, you and she don’t have as close a relationship as you do with others in the family. That’s OK. It’s also OK to have bruised feelings about it. You reached out your hand and she didn’t reach back and that can hurt.
It also sounds like other members of the family are trying to offer comfort and sympathy by telling you you didn’t miss anything. Try to accept that.
And then try to let it go, for your sake and for your husband’s. Going no contact with branches of the family, who also didn’t have control over the invites, is only going to hurt him.
Dear Eric: My wife and I are a white couple in our mid-70s. We have numerous Black friends and acquaintances we see frequently at our church and workplace. Everybody is very cordial, and our conversations share insights into each other’s goings-on (family, friends, et cetera).
What is discomforting to us is we are often addressed as “Miss Jane” and “Mr. John” rather than simply Jane and John. We’re sure all intentions are respectful. We hate to think there is a racial element involved and hope it is just a matter of cultural mannerisms. We don’t notice this “title” formality with one Black person to another, even among those in our age bracket. We don’t want to be rude if addressing this issue would be somehow offensive.
Any thoughts on this?
– Informal Request
Dear Request: Don’t be afraid to ask people to call you what you’re most comfortable being called. For instance, “It would mean so much if you’d just call me John; it’s how I know we’re friends.” Something short and sweet like that.
It’s unclear to me whether the formality is related to your particular region, a particular subculture or even your standing in your community. Or all of the above. But, if you’re noticing that these honorifics aren’t universally applied, it stands to reason you have the power to do away with them without being thought rude.
Now, if your friends and acquaintances protest, that’s an opportunity for you to dig a little deeper, with respect. “Would you mind telling me more about why you’d feel more comfortable with Mr. John rather than John?” And then listen to what they have to say. Even if you don’t agree with the reasoning, it might give you insight into how you’re seen and how you and your friends can better see each other.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)