Recently, I came across a quote that really struck a chord with me. It read: “Your kids are going to figure you out someday. The kind of parent you are. The kind of spouse you are. How you treat others. How much effort you put into them. You’ll either be someone they look up to or someone they never want to be like.”
Especially in the early stages of parenthood, so much of our day-to-day is focused on survival — just keeping our little ones safe and alive. From there, we often transition into a season of constant hustle, moving from one place to another. Our days are filled with work, school drop-offs, practices and after-school activities. So often, we’re simply trying to get from point A to point B, and in the process, we can lose sight of the profound responsibility we carry — not just to raise healthy, independent young people, but to raise them to be well-grounded, God-fearing, socially conscious and respectful adults who live with integrity and treat others with kindness.
Raising children like that takes intentionality and discipline. Many parents draw from their own childhoods, building on the foundation laid by their parents. I was blessed to grow up in a loving, two-parent household, supported by a strong village of family and church members who instilled confidence in me and my older sister. I also often draw inspiration from my upbringing and incorporate elements of my parents’ parenting styles into my own. Of course, they weren’t perfect — no parent is. While I didn’t always agree with every decision they made, I now understand them better through the lens of parenthood. But what happens when the environment you were raised in looks nothing like the one you hope to create for your own children?
As we celebrate Father’s Day this weekend, I reflect on both my father and my husband, who grew up without their fathers in the home. Like so many others, they had to navigate life without that presence, a loss that can be especially painful when it’s due to choice. Without a blueprint, the absence of that example can make it harder to parent well. Maybe it wasn’t an absent parent in your story. Maybe it was an unhealthy environment — marked by verbal or physical abuse, addiction or neglect. Or maybe it wasn’t traumatic at all but still lacked the affection, encouragement or consistency you needed. Regardless of what your childhood looked like, the question becomes: how do you pivot and create the generational shift you desire for your own family?
Start by asking yourself what kind of parent you want to be. Write down some attributes that align with that vision and take small steps daily to live it out. Even if you didn’t see a healthy example in your own home, were there glimpses elsewhere — in a friend’s household, with a teacher or a community member? Pull from those examples and let them serve as your guide. If certain activities weren’t modeled for you as a child, take the initiative to create your own routines. Whether it is family dinners around the table, game nights or bedtime stories, there’s nothing wrong with starting your own traditions. The beauty of parenthood is that you get to set the tone for your family — regardless of outside opinions. It’s never too late to create the kind of home life you want for your children.
Though self-reflection can be difficult, parenting brings the truth to the surface. Watching our children grow is like holding up a mirror to the values we’ve modeled. If we want to raise kind, thoughtful and honest kids, we must exhibit those qualities ourselves. We can’t walk around selfishly or with an entitled attitude and expect our kids to grow up to be generous, gracious adults. Write out the traits you hope to see in your children, then reflect honestly: Are you giving them the tools, through both your words and actions, to become those people? If not, what changes can you make today?
There are countless parenting resources available to support your journey. One book I found particularly helpful is “The 5 Love Languages of Children.” It helped me understand how important it is to parent each child according to their unique personality. Loving your kids individually and intentionally can make all the difference. In addition to parenting books that offer insight and tips, don’t overlook the ultimate guide — the Bible. God’s Word provides us with wisdom and instruction on how to raise children with love, discipline and grace. Scriptures like Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4, Deuteronomy 6:6-7 and Psalm 127:3 offer guidance and encouragement as we seek to raise spiritually grounded children. I encourage you to use these verses as a reference and look for others that speak to you.
Ultimately, just because we didn’t have a positive blueprint growing up doesn’t mean we can’t parent with purpose. My father and my husband are living proof. Despite not having father figures themselves, they made the decision to change the narrative. They show up — emotionally, physically, and spiritually — for their children. They are the kind of fathers they wish they’d had.
So, whether you had healthy examples growing up or not, remember: only you get to decide if you’ll be someone your kids look up to — or someone they never want to be like.
Choose wisely.
Dr. Jade L. Ranger is a pharmacist at The Prescription Shoppe, a full-service pharmacy she owns with her husband. She is mom to two boys, ages 11 and 7 years old, and author of “Mustard Seed Mentality,” available at Amazon.com.