Dear Annie: My dad recently remarried a woman named “Ellen,” and while I want to be supportive, I’m having a hard time. My mom passed away five years ago, and Dad met Ellen less than a year ago. They married after only six months of dating. I’m 31, married with a toddler and live about an hour away from them.
Ellen is friendly, but she’s also pushy. She calls me “sweetheart” and refers to herself as “Grandma” to my son, even though I haven’t invited that title. She’s tried to reorganize my kitchen when she visits and has made comments like, “Now that I’m part of the family, I’ll help you get this place in shape.” I’ve told my dad that I’m uncomfortable, but he brushes it off and says she just wants to help.
I don’t want to cause tension, but I feel like boundaries are already being crossed. I barely know this woman, and I don’t feel ready to treat her like a parent or let her play grandma just yet. How can I set limits without hurting my dad or starting a bigger rift? — Not Ready for a New “Mom”
Dear Not Ready for a New “Mom”: As you, your dad and the rest of your family surely already know, no one will ever replace your mother. It’s understandable that this transition feels fast and a little intrusive, and it’s OK not to feel instantly connected to Ellen.
Start by recognizing Ellen’s intentions may be good, even if her approach feels overwhelming. Then, calmly set boundaries with her. For example, you could say, “We’re still deciding what family titles feel right for our son” and suggest an alternative name. You don’t owe a lengthy explanation — just honesty and consistency.
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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].