Miss Manners: I can’t win when writing to my widowed tenant

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been employed for almost 30 years as an administrator for a company that owns and operates several retail centers, apartment complexes and office buildings. I write many letters to all of the tenants, as I’m the main, and sometimes the only, point of contact. Knowing that a tenant has lost their spouse, when addressing future letters, should I address it to both Mr. and Mrs. or just the surviving spouse? I have addressed letters both ways and have offended people for either including, or excluding, the deceased spouse.

GENTLE READER: One can sympathize with a widow’s or widower’s loss while still saying that, as a matter of both etiquette and logic, one does not knowingly address a letter to someone who is deceased.

And, though you did not ask, Miss Manners will add two further assertions with equal confidence. First, there is no breach of etiquette in addressing a letter to someone who is deceased when you were unaware of that fact. Second, the proper answer to a surviving spouse who tells you otherwise is, “I am so sorry for your loss. We will, of course, immediately correct our records.”