DEAR ANNIE: My cousin, who is more like a sister to me, has been making a series of reckless and concerning choices over the past year. After having her second baby, she left her husband and began dating a string of borderline-abusive men. Now she’s signing over full custody of her children to her ex-husband and impulsively buying a house out of state.
The biggest challenge is that she refuses anything less than full support from her family and friends. She completely cut off her sister — skipping her wedding — just for suggesting she seek mental health help. She hasn’t spoken to her mother in months either.
I don’t want to abandon her because I believe she genuinely needs help. But at the same time, she’s manipulating her ex-husband for more alimony while staying with a man who has repeatedly screamed at her in public. I fear she’s a danger to herself, but if I say anything, I know she’ll cut me off, too.
Should I stay in her life in case she eventually needs me, or is it time to take a harder stance and stop enabling her behavior? — Confused Cousin
DEAR CONFUSED: You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Your cousin is making destructive choices, but she’s also made it clear that any pushback will lead to being cut off. That’s her decision, not yours. Obviously, she needs professional help, and if there is any way you can help her get it, by all means do so.
In the meantime, offer support where you can — without enabling her. If she ever reaches out for real help, be there. But you are not responsible for fixing her life, and chasing after her will only drain you. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone in crisis is to step back and let them face the consequences of their choices.
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Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.