Dear Eric: I have two daughters with special needs. They function around the level of a 10-year-old. They are also nonverbal in public. It is very unlikely that they will ever have a relationship with anyone, much less have children. So, it is likely that I will never be a grandmother. My question is how do I deal with the grief that causes me?
– Grieving the Future
Dear Future: Talking openly about the way that you’re feeling – with a therapist, with friends, with other parents of children with special needs – is a good first step. Being able to lay it all out may not lessen the grief right away, but it will help it to feel more manageable. As a parent, you’re handling a lot. It likely feels isolating. So, reminding yourself that you’re not alone and you don’t have to navigate tough feelings alone is important.
It’s also important to remember that there are many kinds of relationships that can offer you the love and emotional connection of grandparenthood. Even if this assurance feels like a cold comfort at the moment, it’s helpful to think through the people in your life and ways that you can be present for each other as life goes on. It’s also a good reminder of who you have in your corner.
Lastly, think about what you would be hoping for as a grandparent. Perhaps it’s the simple joy of being able to love and care for another child (and then return them to their parents at the end of a visit). But perhaps it’s a more complex desire. There’s no wrong way to feel about this. But thinking through what’s at the root of this grief will help you talk about it, work through it, and find alternatives in the future.
Dear Eric: My 78-year-old mother is a very kind and generous person; however, she goes through life looking through a lens of negativity. Whatever can go wrong will go wrong in her eyes. She constantly complains that she has the worst luck, the worst pain and is always on the verge of death. The exaggeration and drama of every situation is a part of her daily living. I get calls in the middle of the night telling me that she’s going to have a heart attack or a stroke.
I live three hours away, so getting to her quickly is a challenge. My siblings no longer want to deal with her. If she calls 911 and has to go to the hospital, she calls me every hour telling me that they’re trying to kill her by giving her the wrong medicine, the wrong food or that the room is filthy, and I need to come right away to save her.
Every situation is grossly exaggerated to the point of being lies. I really can’t take the drama any longer.
I think that she needs to speak to someone that can help her overcome her anxiety and possibly prescribe her beneficial medications, but she won’t hear of it. She has missed many family occasions because of her perceived ailments. It’s sad and frustrating at the same time. What can I do at this point?
– Positivity Is a Choice
Dear Positivity: You’re right that your mother should speak to someone about her anxiety. It seems unmanageable and is clearly affecting her well-being. But we can’t force people to help themselves, which, I know, only adds to your pain and frustration.
You can, however, set boundaries with your mother that reinforce how important it is that she finds alternate ways of communicating. Tell her you’re both going to have to work with what’s possible and effective.
For instance, the hourly calls about the hospital trying to kill her aren’t effective. It would be more effective for you to get the name of her doctor, speak with that person and then set up a schedule of when you’ll check in with your mother.
If that’s not a plan she can accept, even in theory, redirect her. Why does she think the care she receives is bad care? What are other possible solutions? What would be effective?
Then, should the situation arise, stick to the boundary that you set. “Mom, we talked about this before. I’m going to talk to the on-call doctor and then I’ll call to check on you. But if you’re feeling anxious or afraid, we can have a chaplain come visit with you or we can talk to the doctors about medication that will help you relax. What do you want to do?”
Empowering her to seek her own solutions while also holding your boundary is only going to get you so far. She has to want to change. But it’s a first step to keeping some of what you describe as the drama at bay.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)