For some, Valentine’s Day is a celebration of the many splendors of romantic love, filled with red roses, chocolate hearts and sweet nothings whispered over wine before a roaring fire. (“No, you’re schmoopy!“) For others, especially the newly decoupled, VD is nothing to clap about.
Did your ex-girlfriend stray? Was your last boyfriend a whorehound? This year, the Humane Society of Chittenden County is offering the public a different kind of heartworm preventative. In addition to its usual Valentine’s Day fundraiser of loving Valentine Grams, with messages such as “You’re the cat’s meow!” and “You give my heart the zoomies!,” the nonprofit animal rescue will neuter the unwanted influences on your heart and soul by letting you “Dump Your Ex.”
For a donation of $20 or more, HSCC staff will write your previous partner’s name on one of its cat litter boxes or dog poop bags and “let our furry friends take care of the rest.”
Was yours an amicable breakup? Perhaps a pug or poodle turd will suffice. Or did you catch your ex rolling in the hay with your best man or maid of honor? In that case, a heftier deposit from one of the humane society’s larger working breeds may be in order.
“The dogs have been obliging,” said Jess Wilson, the new executive director of the Humane Society of Chittenden County, who confirmed that several exes have been cut loose like a deuce.
Valentine’s Day donations help support HSCC’s mission of rescuing and rehoming animals in need. In 2023, the South Burlington shelter facilitated nearly 1,200 adoptions, spayed or neutered more than 1,800 animals, and vaccinated more than 5,100 cats and dogs.
“I will say that in our community, love is still winning out over dumping the exes,” Wilson noted, with affectionate Valentine’s Day cards outpacing the vindictive kind. “But if you did dump your ex, you can probably come here and find love.”
Alas, this year’s fundraiser is meant strictly as a symbolic gesture, as the humane society will not actually deliver the goods to your erstwhile crush. Still, sometimes one hot mess deserves another.