DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been happily married for 15 years. My mother-in-law, “Pat,” a widow since 1997, has lived with us for the last 14 years. She lived alone in her own apartment when my wife and I first were married but was going through bouts of depression. I initially extended the offer to her to live with us until she got through her depression, and I mentioned it would be for only a year or two.
Well, 14 years later, I am preparing for retirement, and Pat thinks she’s coming with my wife and me to our retirement dream home. How can I politely address this? I no longer want to live with my MIL. I have been generous to have allowed her to stay with us this long.
Any arguments my wife and I have had for the most part have been because of Pat’s interference. We both agree on this fact. My wife and I get along well and compromise on just about everything. Pat is healthy and young enough to still be independent. She’s also mobile enough to travel daily to run her errands. Please help me to express that it is overdue for her to move on and allow my wife and me the space to retire together peacefully. — MAKING A CHANGE IN THE EAST
DEAR MAKING A CHANGE: You stated that your mother-in-law expects to live with you and her daughter in your new place, which indicates that the subject has been discussed to some extent. Another “family conference” is now in order, the sooner the better.
You and your wife must explain that because you will be moving, it is time for Pat to find a place of her own. Expect that there will be some resistance, so offer to help her find a place and assist with the move. After 14 years, it’s time. Better late than never.
***
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.